The guilt-ridden conscience―the chronic fear to
sin, to be evil, or that what one is doing or not doing might be sinful or
morally wrong.
Scrupulosity is a tormenting inner
state where there is no rest for the soul―where an unmerciful and dreaded verdict
is heard over and over again: “guilty!” The only safe place for the scrupulous
one is the place of moral and/or religious perfection. But the scrupulous person wonders
with fear: “Is what I am doing right now sinful?” “Have I done enough?” “Is my
performance good enough?” “Is my work good enough?” “Am I praying enough?” “Should
I fast longer or more frequently?” “I should be reading the Bible right now.” “Do
I perform all of the church expectations perfectly?” “Are the words I speak the
right ones?” “Am I representing Christ well enough?” “How about the morals I
must comply with?” “What if I feel jealousy?” “And how about if I am not kind
enough?” “How do I know whether I love others and if I love them enough?” “What
happens if I lose my temper and don’t have time to confess it and die?” “I fear
that I am evil, of the devil, of darkness.” “Did I really repent enough?” “Did
God really hear me when I confessed my sin?" “How do I know for sure that I am
forgiven?” “I feel condemned and guilty.” “I can just see God, disappointed in
me. I can just see His frown.” “I am concerned I will end up in hell.” “I am
trying God! I really want to do what’s right! I really want to make it in!”
Constantly plagued with the fear
of committing sin and of falling short, the scrupulous person enjoys no peace.
Is there a way out of this ever-doubting state, double-mindedness, and distressful inner turmoil? Yes, I can assure you
that there is. Why can I be so sure? I am sure because a lot of what you just
read above represents where I was a number of years ago. Really, the burden of my
salvation rested on my shoulders. I had to somehow make sure that I kept up
with all of the moral and religious expectations. Someway, somehow, I had to
try really hard to be righteous if I wanted to remain saved. I had, through my
own abilities, to comply with all of the righteous requirements necessary to make
it in. But even those, I wasn’t really sure what they all were, not really. Because
after all, what if I unknowingly didn’t comply with some? What if I missed one?
What if I was unaware of some? How could I know all of the conditions and holy requisites
needed to secure my salvation and entrance into heaven? What if my
righteousness fell short of perfection? How could I measure my righteousness
and know for sure I was good enough to make it in? What a lonely and
self-centered place; trying to fight for my own safety and survival, alone.
What an uncertain place. And what a troubling place.
I had reached such a catastrophic
place that by the time I cried out to God back in 2011, I hadn’t slept for 3 or
4 days and I was experiencing numerous panic attacks, day and night. The
anxiety I felt was extreme. But one day, while driving home from work, I cried
out to God. Everything in me cried out. “God! What is wrong with me?” I knew He
heard me. That night, praise be to God I was able to fall asleep. The Lord gave
me two dreams in response to my cry. Both dreams led to the same diagnostic.
Though what I was experiencing was classified as scrupulosity or religious OCD by
the medical field, these are not the terms the Lord used. He went deeper. He
touched the very root of my problem. If we only seek to get rid of the fruits,
but won’t deal with the root, the root will always end up producing other
branches and the unwanted fruits of fear, guilt and anxiety will reappear. We
must deal with the core issue; we must deal with the root cause of our anxiety
if we ever want the anxiety to go. Mind you, it may not happen overnight. I
know it didn’t for me. But if we will persevere in the truth of God’s Word and
in trusting God, it is only a matter of time until we begin to experience the
long awaited relief from all of the fear, anxiety and torment associated with
scrupulosity.
That night, our Heavenly Counselor
revealed to me that the real core problem in my life was legalism. Legalism had
grown to infect my entire life. My belief system was infected and my mind was totally
corrupted as a result. The scary thing was my trying so hard to secure my
salvation was the very thing that was robbing me of it. Through seeking to be
justified by my own self-righteousness, my worst fear had come to pass. Galatians
5:1-6 (NKJV) accurately summarizes what the Lord showed me that night:
“Stand fast therefore in the
liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a
yoke of bondage. Indeed I, Paul, say to you that if you become circumcised,
Christ will profit you nothing. And I testify again to every man who becomes
circumcised that he is a debtor to keep the whole law. You have become
estranged from Christ, you who attempt to be justified by law; you have fallen
from grace. For we through the Spirit eagerly wait for the hope of
righteousness by faith. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor
uncircumcision avails anything, but faith working through love.”
Through trying to earn my
salvation by my own works and self-righteousness, I had fallen from grace. You
see, we only have two options: Either we will seek to be made right with God through
complying with moral and religious law, or we will seek to be made right with
God freely through faith in Christ, but we can’t have both. We must choose the
means by which we will obtain righteousness. Will it be through striving or by
freely receiving? The first originates from pride, the other from godly
humility. Hebrews 9:14 (NKJV) says: “How much more shall the
blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered Himself without spot to
God, cleanse your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?” The
Blood of Christ is powerful enough to purge our conscience from guilt and
condemnation so that we can be free to serve the Lord, not out of guilt and
self-serving motives, but out of a love that springs forth out of a sincere
faith, a clear conscience and a pure heart (see 1 Timothy 1:5). If we are under
a constant sense of guilt and condemnation, it indicates we need to earnestly examine
our core belief system. Somewhere in there, we believe our right standing with
God depends on our works and self-righteousness. There can be no rest there. However,
Hebrews 4:3a (NKJV) says: “For we who have believed do enter that rest.” If we
are not experiencing rest, we must seriously ask ourselves those hard questions
and be willing to face the truth and repent. Legalism is another gospel, not
that there is another gospel.
I understand how
troubling this blog may be to some of you. Your first reaction may be, “I
should have never read this blog! I feel worse now!” Believe me, I felt the
same way, too. Part of me thought, “God, how could you do this to me!” Yet, I would never
have been free had I not known the truth. I needed to repent from submitting to
the law and not to Christ. The law had come between Christ and I and all He
wanted was for me to come home. God is quick to forgive. Simply come to Him and
confess that you have switched your allegiance to the law and tell Him you are
sorry and that you repent. He will forgive you immediately. From there, you
will enter a journey of recovery from legalism with Jesus on your side, where,
as you trust Him and place your hope in His Word, He will lead you out of
legalism step by step. But remember, you will not come out of legalism the way
you came in―your
way out will be through reliance upon Him and His Word.
Be encouraged
dear one, there is hope! There is a way out.
—Kathleen Kaczmarek
“O foolish
Galatians! Who has bewitched you that you should not obey the truth, before
whose eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed among you as crucified? This only
I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law,
or by the hearing of faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are
you now being made perfect by the flesh? Have you suffered so many things in
vain—if indeed it was in vain? Therefore He who supplies the Spirit to you and
works miracles among you, does He do it by the works of the law, or by the
hearing of faith?—just as Abraham “believed God, and it was accounted to him
for righteousness.” Therefore know that only those who are of faith are sons of
Abraham. And the Scripture, foreseeing that God would justify the Gentiles by
faith, preached the gospel to Abraham beforehand, saying, “In you all the
nations shall be blessed.” So then those who are of faith are blessed with
believing Abraham. For as many as are of the works of the law are under the
curse; for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who does not continue in all
things which are written in the book of the law, to do them.” But that no one
is justified by the law in the sight of God is evident, for “the just shall
live by faith.” Yet the law is not of faith, but “the man who does them shall
live by them.” Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law, having become
a curse for us (for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree”),
that the blessing of Abraham might come upon the Gentiles in Christ Jesus, that
we might receive the promise of the Spirit through faith.”―Galatians
3:1-14 NKJV
